well time is passing and each week/day my Dad loses a little of himself, there is the occasional sparkle and we chat about fishing and he comes to life a little bit more, or when we watched the world motorbike championships on Sunday with my brother, He had a rather good weekend by all accounts and stayed around for around 2 hours on sunday before he needed his oxygen and bed.
He saw his brother and partner last night and when I called there was plenty of laughter in the background, however tonight is very different, Dad has been ill today and we have had the nurse helping mum out, although she told me everything was fine and we would talk later after an hour of wandering around the garden, I went round just to be sure, and as mum had said he was very poorley but had been made as comfortable as possible.
Tonight was not my dad, but a frail old man with a very yellowish /greyish colour to him - its hard......to see the man mountain Dad become mortal...although im not in tears inside im crushed but due to work and the family I need to be strong, and there is no point falling to pieces now.
Its a strange time of life to be learning of the mortality of a very loved one and facing or learning our own mortality, strengths and weaknesses, the world seems surreal, and its easy to let the daily world we immerse ourselves in wash right over us as much of it isnt really important - especially work - a lot of my life or thinking has become very clear, and yet the unknown of when his life will end is staring us in the face but has no date, except to see him fade away day by day.
I have spoken with some friends and family at the notion (and Dad has even mentioned to mum) That if an option was available he would put himself to sleep, the option that we do not do this for humans yet an animal in pain and suffering we do has become a real thought in our minds......and how cruel as humans to each other our strange little laws and ways seem.
On one hand I wish time could be turned back and this never happens and me and Dad still go to Poker on a Tuesday and fishing on Sundays, and watch the live sport when Mum gives us the right to the TV in their house (lol) and we can have the Christmas in Mum and Dads New house that they were due to move in, with my sister, brother Partners and grandchildren, but alas this will not be....on the other hand, I just want Dads suffering to end, painlessley, comfortably and with some form of dignity. I love you Dad xx
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